When your life blows up, don't get a tattoo

Note: I feel I should explain this before telling this story as I've already complained about my mother...my mother and my mom are two different people. My mother is the person who sort of raised me and taught me that I am fat and worthless. She is manipulative and self-serving. My mom used to be married to my dad but is not anymore. She adopted me when they split and has been trying to reverse my mother's hold on me. She is sweet, loving and a little bit fucking crazy, just like me. Any questions?

I think I stepped on a bad luck landmine this last month. No, seriously. It felt like I walked under a ladder holding an umbrella inside a mirror store that I blew up while kicking a black cat. It could have been worse but only if I had spilled some salt and not thrown it over my shoulder.

I already wrote about my boyfriend of 2 and a half years breaking up with me, my former fiance leaving the country, my family hating me, my job that nearly killed me, etc, so I'll spare you going through all of that again but it's blown up more since then so I thought I'd share.

Well this week my grandma ended up in the hospital (just for a night and she's fine now but we thought she might have had a heart attack) and, while she was there the Ex went missing (as in no one had heard from him for over 24 hours and we're afraid he's in the hospital or worse. He is just TERRIBLE at remembering phone numbers and he doesn't have a cell phone so we would never even know if he was in trouble) and I had to try to track him down to make sure he wasn't dead.

Ok, really I told you that so I could tell you about the conversation my mom and I had but before I do that, I should give a little background (very little so bear with me)

I have a series of tattoos I want to get but haven't had the money for. One of them is a butterfly for my grandma (she loves butterflies and butterflies always make me think of her) and another is the Kanji for "soul-friends" or "kindred spirits" that I want to get because I believe that some people in your life are friends to your soul, kind of like soul mates but there are more of them. I'm getting it on my right forearm because I believe the Ex is one of those soul friends and he got his first tattoo on his right forearm.

So, in essence, I'm getting one for grandma and one for the Ex (though it's not just for him but whatever!)

Driving back to the hospital to drop off some things my grandma needed, after finding out the Ex was MIA my mom and I went past a tattoo parlor and my mom started laughing. This conversation ensued:

Mom: Oh my God, we should TOTALLY get tattoos! Because that would be a PERFECT way to end today!

Me: (Laughing) Well I think I'm running on so much coffee and adrenaline that I probably wouldn't feel it...but that's probably a bad idea.

Me: (in my head because I'm a terrible person) If we did, I should get the butterfly just in case my grandma dies today. NO NO NO She's FINE! What the hell, Roo? What's wrong with you?

Me: (after awkward pause in which I was thinking bad things) I think I want to get my "soul-friends" tattoo first because---

Mom: (Interrupting with hysterical laughter) Yeah, that way if the Ex is dead his soul will be called to your arm like a beacon and he could tell us what happened. THAT'S WHERE MY HEAD WENT. I AM FUCKED UP!

Then we were both overcome with laughter and somehow I got out that I had already had a similar terrible thought. There's a reason we're related...