Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Never. A-fucking-gain

Sometimes I think my life is made up of a series of crappy days (or possibly crappy decisions...come to think of it, it's probably that)

I'm poor. I'm close to homeless poor. I have 2 jobs but they're not enough to pay rent so I'm looking for a third. In the meantime I've been responding to the "gigs" section of Craigslist. Because it's better than nothing? Because I get pukey when I donate plasma and, even if it is good, easy money it's just not fucking worth it? Because I'm an idiot or a masochist or I think I can do things I can't? Yeah, all of those.

In addition to being poor I am fat and (obviously) out of shape. WOEFULLY out of shape. Like out-of-breath-when-I-walk-up-one-flight-of-stairs out of shape.

So possibly I was high when I responded to the guy looking for people to put flyers for his lawn care company on doorsteps. The goddamn ad stated very clearly that there would be a LOT of walking involved. The hours he was looking for were 10 to 4. That's five hours. Of walking. All of it. And yet some part of my brain said, "Sure, dumb-ass, give it a try" so I did.

And now I can't walk. I will never walk again. I am stuck to this chair and I will never, ever get up. Fuck walking. What did it ever do for me besides get me sunburnt and attacked by a goddamn dog? Ok, I might walk to the bathtub in, like, a year but that is IT!

Can I get a maid for $50?

I mean $50 for my entire lifetime because I'll never be able to make more money...any takers?

Don't get me wrong, it was good money and I actually had fun for, like, the first half hour but it all went downhill from there. Did I mention I got attacked by a dog? And a sunburn? (I got a sunburn, I didn't get attacked by one. Do I need to clarify that? I hope not...)

Also WHAT is UP with people having 18 THOUSAND steps to their front door? Why do you need that? This is Wisconsin. It's not exactly flood country and, even if it was, your fucking garage is on the ground so you STILL fail! Seriously, What. The. Fuck?

Oh and, to make matters worse, I had a mile and a half walk to make AFTER it was all done to get home from the bus stop! Now, before you smack me in the head for being such an idiot, setting this thing up, knowing I had to walk, let me defend myself. I THOUGHT my ex-boyfriend was going to be back from his grandma's today (he told me he would be. How dumb of me to believe him) but I got an e-mail from him saying he was staying another night. I had PLANNED on asking him to pick me up from the bus stop but he was 2 hours away. Motherfucker!

Luckily I have an awesome friend who came all to the annoying side of town to get me so that I didn't end up in the ER. So I didn't actually have to walk at all. Sorry for misleading you. It won't happen again (please keep in mind that I sometimes make promises I can't keep. Sorry for the future)

I think, maybe, being a prostitute would be easier. But I run into the same problems there too...I'm fat. Damn.

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